Caregiving from a distance: When you can’t be there to help

It’s very common in today’s fast-paced world for family members to be scattered across the country and when older parents or relatives need care, many adult children must help from a distance. Long-distance caregivers face many challenges. From the guilt of wanting to do more, to feeling overwhelmed with arranging services from afar and to the financial pressure of regular visits, it can be a stressful and emotionally draining process.

If you’re far away from a loved one who needs your care, you can be a huge help no matter where you live. Here’s how:

Take inventory. Arrange a family meeting to discuss concerns, set goals and assign duties. Include your loved one in the discussion so they can communicate their wishes and help develop a care plan whenever possible. Together, go over insurance, finances, will and estate planning, medical history, housing options and advanced medical directives. Put together a document that includes all of this information as well as important contact numbers that all family members can access. Ensure someone is entrusted as of legal Power of Attorney should your loved one become unable to communicate or manage financial activities like paying bills.

Stay in touch. Learn as much as you possibly can about your loved one’s illness, treatment, medication and the resources available so you know what to expect and how you can help. Schedule conference calls with doctors, health care providers and other caregivers so you can stay on top of changes to your loved one’s health. Make sure you stay in regular contact with your family member, so you will know if there’s anything to be worried about. Book routine phone calls, program your number into their speed dial, send letters or emails and consider buying your loved one a cell phone or an emergency response service in case of an emergency.

Enlist neighbours and friends. Create relationships and stay in touch with your loved one’s neighbours and friends and ask them to check in on your loved one regularly. If you can’t reach them or are worried, these contacts can be a real relief. Make sure that your own friends and neighbours know about your caregiving responsibilities so they can offer their help if you’re called away for an emergency.

Arrange services. Research community services in your loved one’s area. All provinces and territories in Canada offer some level of home support services for eligible residents. If subsidized hours do not meet all your care needs, there are a number of companies that provide services privately including VHA. Other companies may be able to help with home modification, transportation, meals, personal care and other needs. These people can also be your “eyes and ears” and let you know if they notice anything concerning. For more information, visit our links page. Realize that your loved one may not want strangers in their home or find it difficult to accept change, so approach this lightly and be sensitive to concerns. Try and position the change as a move that can support their independence rather than take it away. For example, while being fitted for a walker may seem like a loss, it can reduce your loved one’s risk of falls and improve their mobility.

Because you’re caring from a distance, when you do get the opportunity to visit with your loved one it can feel like there’s too much to do in the little time you have. You probably can’t make many long visits so plan carefully to make the most of your time together. Be sure to:

Find out what your loved one needs. Before your visit, talk to your loved one about what you can do together that would be helpful. Routine home repairs, a trip to the mall or a haircut can all be a big support.

Book appointments. Ask your loved one if you can attend doctor’s appointments during the visit. This will give you the opportunity to discuss their health, medications and ask any questions you have. It’s also a good idea to visit other professionals like your loved one’s lawyer or financial advisor.

Keep your eyes open. Pay attention to how your loved one is managing daily activities. Can they drive safely, eat healthy meals, pay bills and manage personal hygiene? Speak to your loved one’s neighbours and friends about whether they’ve noticed any behavioural changes, health problems or safety concerns.

Above all, make sure you set aside time to enjoy each other’s company. Visit old friends and other family members, play cards, take a drive, watch a movie or go to the library together.

You should also plan ahead and save personal days in case you need to make an unexpected visit, set funds aside to pay for these trips and have someone in mind who can help care for your own family when you’re away.

Realize that long-distance caregiving can cause some serious wear and tear and up your stress levels. Combat this by eating right, exercising and getting enough sleep. Join a support group for caregivers—online or in your community—to help you get advice, gain perspective and realize you’re not alone. Appreciate yourself for all you’re doing and remember that you can’t be everything to everyone.